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Jan. 26th, 2009 @ 04:00 am I can't take this shit anymore.
Current Music: Detours - Sheryl Crowe
All of his family is on my myspace page so I can't talk openly about how I feel about ANYTHING. I want to move out, it's NORMAL for couples to move out of a parents house after so long... EVERY FUCKING PERSON in this fucked up family thinks that it's fucked up that I want to take MY SON, Shauns and MY son, and move out. I am SICK TO DEATH of Shaun's dad telling ME how to be a parent, when my kids turning out like his kids is damn near the LAST thing I want. I gave Shaun a big mixing spoon from the kitchen today, and he took it from him, and I said something about it, so you can guarantee that Chris is going to say something to Shaun about it, and instead of Shaun standing up to him, he'll tall me not to argue. NO, FUCK THAT! I DO NOT need Chris telling ME how to be a parent. I am so fucking sick of this. And Shaun saying that he doesn't want us to get our own place because of his dad? His dad should be telling him to go for it, he should be supportive, but his family doesn't think we can handle being on our own... I can't handle living here!! Not to mention there is enough strain on our relationship because Shaun is a fucking cheating liar!! I can't sleep at night anymore... all I can think about is what if he really doesn't love me like he was telling that stupid fucking Brittney Iverson slut, and he hates me as much as he told her... and he's only staying with me so he doesn't have to pay child support and he doesn't want me to get custody, which I would, and he would have to pay child support... and the WORST PART is that I still love him, and I want to believe him, and I want him to not be a liar, which he is, and a cheater, which he's done twice now... and I hate my life... I hate it, I am the saddest I've ever been, and it's all because my fiance was supposed to be a man, and now I'm stuck with a liar boyfriend, that I don't think I'll ever trust enough to get married to, and all he is is a little boy. I am happy because of my son though, and being pregnant: the excitment of what's to come is nice... but god damn it... I really hate how things turned out... I wish I left for Arizona when I was pregnant with Shaun, and I wish that daddy Shaun never knew about it... I would be happier. Sure I'd be a single mom, but having this stress is breaking my heart... I cry all the time now... tears will stream down my face with no warning at all... I fucking hate this. I go see my counselor on Tuesday, and Shaun and I will start relationship counseling as soon as possible. And if we aren't moved out in the next few months, I'm done. I will find a small cheap place where I don't need lousy unsupportive parents telling me that I'm doing something wrong... I have to bite my tounge everyday so I don't scream out "Shut the fuck up: are you fucking blind! Your kids didn't turn out well at all! There is the psychopath that used to rub shit on the walls and blame it on the younger kids so you'd beat them. The alcoholic womanizer who refuses to grow up. As far as I know the middle daughter is normal-ish... she doesn't really attend many family gatherings, and she's pretty anti-social. The pathological liar, and hypocondriac: who is pregnant, due after I am... I just worry that she's going to have munchouser by proxy (I can't spell big words and I don't feel like looking them up) not to mention that she's still smoking pot and cigarettes while KNOWING she is pregnant, then Shaun who lies about everything, and doesn't want to grow up, and can't take responsibility for his actions, who drinks, and pouts about not getting to "party," and then the other alcoholic... I don't want my kids to turn out like that. I'm not going to raise my kids like my mom raised me either: I'm doing things the way I see fit. I wish Shaun would stand up to his dad and say "we're going to start looking for our own place" and if Chris says something about the way I raise little Shaun, I wish Shaun would stand up for me and tell him it's none of his god damn buisness. But no, I could never be so fortunate. Fuck this... fucking fuck this shit, it all sucks, I am so stressed, my heart is starting to really hurt again...

My dads birthday is on Wednesday... thankfully children are the miracle cure for depression... I mean, sure I'm depressed, but since Shaun was born, the thought of killing myself hasn't crossed my mind once. I love my son more then I ever imagined possible, and I don't mind not getting to go out ever, because I get to spend my time with him. I just wish I got to spend my time with him in our own apartment, or rental home. :: big sighs ::
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Ms. Mia Wallace v.2